Kid-less Halloween

I have been looking forward to Halloween.   I love kids and I hardly see kids where I live.  I was hoping that I will see a lot of them out tomorrow in their cute costumes.  Unfortunately, Ben tells me that our apartment complex does not get trick or treaters.  Bummer. :(  I was even planning to buy a stash of candies for giving away (and saving some for myself), and now I have no excuse to do that.   But I must still have the candies, right?... in the off chance that we do get visitors.

To actually experience Halloween, Ben and I would have to drive around the village and hopefully catch a few kids in action.  Would that be weird?  Would that make us look like creepy children stalkers?

I can't still get used to the fact that I live in an old neighborhood with uhm, old people.  I miss kids.  I miss my nephew, Migo, the most.  

Migo and I in our office trick or treat last
year.  He took off his ninja mask in this shot.

Oh well.  So much for trying to experience Halloween like a kid.  I better act my age and experience it, grown up style.  Fright night?  Whatever scary movie Ben and I will watch tomorrow, I will make sure to have candies to sweeten the deal.

Happy halloween, everyone! =)

I'm a Perpetual Pessimist

I heard news from a very good friend, Miriam Pasia, that their old house in Pasig was gutted by fire.  Thankfully, nobody lives in that house anymore and no one was hurt.   Nonetheless, the property damage is very substantial and very distressing.  Not even 24 hours later, she posted this on Facebook:

"There is a rainbow after the rain".

I've always admired Miriam for her indomitable attitude towards life.  She falls down, but she gets up again, almost immediately.  Her petite frame belies the strength of her character.

I wish I have her strength and her positive outlook.   I am a perpetual pessimist, and I hate that any small setback can easily break my spirit.   Maybe my threshold of pain is very low.  I cry "ouch" immediately and I take forever to lick my wounds.

How does one change perspective? Where do I find rose-colored glasses? Happy thoughts?  Peter Pan said think happy thoughts and you can fly.

Sunshine.  Cute, cuddly babies.  Cotton Candy.

I'm being stubborn and I think I need Tinkerbell's pixie dust or Dumbo's magic feather.

Now that we are talking about cartoons, I would like to say that my cartoon hero is Charlie Brown.  I can totally relate to his unending streak of little failures (e.g. failing to kick that football or fly his kite), being painfully shy (e.g. towards the little red-haired girl), being lonely (e.g. eating his peanut butter sandwich alone during lunch) and feeling rejected (e.g. not getting any Valentine letter or halloween candy).  I feel as if he was speaking for me when he said these lines:

Photo from Peanuts Wikia

"The secret to life is to replace one worry with another"

"There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters... I can be their leader"

"Even my anxieties have anxieties"

"I've developed a new philosophy.  I only dread one day at a time"

"Sometimes, I lie awake at night and I ask, "where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me "this is going to take more than one night".

"I think I am afraid to be happy because when I get too happy, something bad always happens."



Charlie Brown is a perpetual pessimist, but never cynical towards others.   He ends his nights over-analzying his life and his miseries.  He is especially harsh on himself, but constantly persevering,  always self-effacing, and ever so endearing.  If Charlie Brown were alive, I'd give him a big hug, the hug that he likes... the one where you feel sadness physical leaving your body.

Missing my Folks

I was cleaning the apartment this week (scrubbing the floors, vacuuming, cleaning the toilet, etc) and I hurt my back.  I've been suffering from low back pain ever since I hit my 30s and I often get bouts of pain like this.  I can't tell whether it's a pinched nerve or a joint pain, and the pain radiates to my bum and my thighs.

It's times like this when I really wish my mom was here.   Back in the Philippines, whenever my back hurts, my mom would give me a hot compress, rub oil/ointment, massage my back and soothe the pain away.  Nobody can ever care for you like your mother.  Her touch is different.   She weaves magic in her hands.   

Being in a rough patch now makes me feel like a little girl who fell down, scraped her knee and whose first instinct is to cry out "Mommy".  Whenever my mom talks to me and tells me "Anak, I am praying for you.  Don't worry, everything will be fine", I can't help but just cry a bucket of tears.  This week she sent me a text message asking me if I need money to be wired to me so I need not worry about finances while unemployed.  My heart just melted and I sobbed.  I am that helpless little girl again and mommy has come to the rescue.   At my age, I should be looking after my parents.  I feel bad that I am stripped of my ability to care for them. 

When you are miles away from family, you begin to realize the weight of the little things that you took for granted.   Case in point: my dad's cooking.   

I never realized how lucky I was that my dad would whip up specialty food which in my mind then was ordinary fare.  My dad would cook paella and adobong alimango on any given day.   There would be no occasion but he would decide to cook whatever he fancies. Blue Marlin Steak.  Fresh Sushi. Spring rolls.  Chapchae.  Sukiyaki.  Pansit Malabon. Sisig.  Quesadilla. His food repertoire is almost endless.  If he tastes something good in a restaurant, he would try to recreate it at home.   Now that I am learning how to cook, I want my food to taste like how my dad makes them.  I asked him for his recipe for Hainanese Chicken Rice.  I recreated it, only mine tasted like Tinola.  Epic fail.  For the life of me, I can't recreate his adobo no matter how many times I tried to cook it here. 

There are things that only your parents can do.  They are irreplaceable.  I lived with them for over 37 years, and I thank them for giving me a very happy, sheltered life.  I guess I never truly felt like an adult until I was weaned away from them.  I've aged a lot emotionally ever since migrating here.  How nice would it to be a child again every now and then and be cradled by your parents?  

My Folks!

Week-long Unrestricted Eating

It had been raining all week in Albany, casting a very gloomy mood.   It's not even winter yet and I feel I'm having a case of the winter blues:

Long bouts of sadness.

Unexplained fatigue from doing nothing.

Staying under the covers, refusing to get up.

Crying over the littlest of things.

Unusual surge in appetite.

And then I caved in.  Stuffed my face with carbs.  

This week I had:

Pizza.  Burgers.  Milkshake.  Pasta.  Fries.  Cake. Chips.  Bagels. Rice and more rice. 

I had a weeklong carb fest of unrestricted eating and boy did it feel good!!!  I badly needed these food. I had good excuse to do it, too.  My dad, brother and nephew's birthdays are all during the 2nd half of October, so I am celebrating remotely with them.  

And because we weren't counting carbs this week, Ben and I decided to eat out (something that's very hard to do on a low carb diet).  We tried this Afghan restaurant in Central Ave (Afghan Kabob Express) and it was delish!   The gyro over rice was sooo good!  I can't get over how buttery the rice was and I couldn't get enough of that white garlicky yogurt sauce and their green chutney.

Beef Gyro over Basmati Rice

What we liked the most was the appetizer called bolani.  It's a fried flat bread with potato and green onion filling.  What made it good is that it is starch (dough) filled with another starch (potato).  How can you go wrong with that?

Bolani

Food is amazing.  It does wonderful things to lift your spirits.   I am fighting the blues with carbs.  It's working, but I am afraid it is not sustainable solution.  The week is about to end and our unrestricted eating ends tomorrow, Sunday.  We go back to low carb  on Monday.   If come Monday, my melancholic self manifests itself, I will fight it.  Not with carbs but with endorphins.   I might need the elliptical machine and kettle bells again. I will not be depressed!  

Rejection and Reassurance

I got a rejection letter today and it left me in tears.   I've been actively looking for a job for the past month with no success.

I wasn't even being picky.  I applied to an entry level position (an administrative assistant for a bank) and I didn't even get an interview.   That hurt.  A lot.  I was an Asst. Vice President in my last job in the Philippines and now I can't even be hired as an office clerk.  It felt like a dagger piercing through my heart and leading me towards a downward spiral.  

This is ever so humbling.  I thought my resume would have warranted at least an interview.  I guess that bank has its reasons which I will never find out.  Trying to figure out why will consume me for a very long time.   Ben thinks it might be because I am overqualified.   After some thought, my retort to that is this analogy:

A Big Fish in a Small Pond 

vs. 

A Small Fish in Big Pond

I was no hot shot executive.  I never was a big fish. I was but a small fry.  

I blame it on my fixation with titles.   Having that AVP title gave me an inflated sense of worth.   I should not think that an AVP is superior to an Administrative Assistant.  I was wrong to think that.  Everything has to be taken in the context of the environment, the setting, "the pond".    In fact, I should even take it to the next level.  I should believe that any honest, well-intentioned job is noble and that all noble work are equal in the eyes of God. 

Ergo, I will not hesitate to apply to more entry level jobs because the truth is, I came from a small pond and I am now in the biggest pond in the world.   So yes, I don't mind fading into obscurity by being a small fish in a big pond.  I just really want to be in the pond right now.

This past month was particularly challenging, and I am almost at my wit's end trying to think of a way to be productive again.  But thank God, there have been some outpouring of moral support and reassurance from friends and family.   They are all saying the same thing.  Be patient and trust in God's perfect timing.  He has something better in store.

Special thanks to Ben, Mom, Dad, Ate, Mike, Ena, Lot, Aimee and Dimpy for the words of encouragement.  You help replenish my depleting self-worth.  

Benjamin

Benjamin is such a big name in the Vicencio family.    There are five Benjamins in the family:

The family patriarch, my grandfather,
Benjamin Sr. (Lolo Ben)

My uncle, Benjamin Jr. (Tito Benjo)

My cousin, Jose Benjamin (Joben)

My nephew, Benjamin Miguel (Migo)

And by affinity, my husband, Benjamin (Ben).
What a good coincidence that he has the right name.
Serendipitous indeed!

Now comes Benjamin, the restaurant.  The brainchild of my chef cousin Nico Vicencio.    It's opening on October 25, 2014!!!

I think there is no better way to celebrate and share one's passion for good food than to open a restaurant bearing the family's special name.   You know the family's pride and reputation are at stake.  That's how you'll know the food is going to be fantastic.

The restaurant is set in the garden of the Vicencio ancestral home, now owned by Nico's family.  My Uncle, Tito Noel (Nico's dad) breathed new life into the property with his keen aesthetic sense.    The result: a very fine marriage of the classical-old and the modern-contemporary.  Look at these photos:

The Vicencio ancestral home

Al fresco dining area

The Bar.  Those gas tank bar stools are so novel!

I love the logo B made of bullet shells

Antique bikes. An old boat.  Old-fashioned
wheels used in animal-drawn carts.
Period artefacts adorn the grounds.

Look at those old school water pumps

Tito Noel.  The genius behind the layout & design

Despite being tucked away in Lubao, Pampanga, this will be worth the trip from Metro Manila.  Pampanga is a culinary destination in the Philippines, and I'm positive Benjamin will earn its rights to  be one of the pitstops of a Pampanga gastronomical tour.

And now the food:

Benjamin is not your regular hole in the wall restaurant.  The menu and restaurant atmospherics have been carefully thought through.    You have a true-blue Kapampangan, formally trained and avid foodie at its kitchen, and he only works with fresh ingredients.   Take me there now!

I am so stoked that Nico is starting to turn his dream into reality.   I am sure Lolo Ben in heaven is smiling down on him.  We are mighty proud of him.  

Chef Nico!

Benjamin is located at Sta. Monica, Lubao, Pampanga

Open 3 days a week (Thurs - Sat from 4pm to 10pm)

Opening on Oct. 25, 2014

Tel. no. +63 917 471 2604 

Low Carb Essentials

Ben says I'm beginning to be quite the expert in low carb cooking.  Don't trust his opinion though, he is bound to be biased.  He has to.  He doesn't have much choice but to eat what I prepare. Haha.

My first round of doing low-carb was horrible.  We were making the same things over and over again.   Buffalo Wings.  Eggplant Parmigiana.  Kebabs.  Taco Salad.  Steak.  Boiled vegetables.  Eggs. Sausage.  Low carb pancakes.   Our options were so limited.   

In this our second round of low-carving, I am happy to report that we have since expanded our low carb "menu".   I discovered life-saving websites that ushered me into the whole new world of low carb cooking:

http://www.djfoodie.com
http://alldayidreamaboutfood.com
http://www.ibreatheimhungry.com
http://ginnyslowcarbkitchen.blogspot.com
http://www.lowcarb360.com

These sites are just some of the few I used a lot.   I like these websites because they feature easy to follow recipes for the newbie cook and they don't always call for hard to find ingredients.

Now we can eat burgers and sandwiches using low carb bread.  Lo Mein (pansit) and pasta.  Muffins.  Homemade chocolate.  Flourless cakes.  Homemade ice-cream.

Speaking of ingredients, these are things that are must haves in our pantry:

1.  Eggs
2.  Butter
3.  Beef (steak cuts, short ribs and ground)
4.  Chicken (wings, breast, thighs)
5.  Fish (tilapia, salmon) and Shrimps
6.  Cheese (all kind! cheap ones for cooking plus some artisan ones for snacking)
7.  Sour cream
8.  Deli (bacon, sausage, salami, low carb ham, and proscuitto and capocollo occasionally)
9.  Sweetener (we use splenda, truvia, liquid stevia. we have yet to try powdered erythritol)
10.  Almonds
11.  Almond flour
12.  Coconut flour
13.  Carbquik
14.  Xantham gum (helps thicken sauces!)
15.  Coconut Oil
16.  Mayonnaise
17.  Reduced sugar ketchup
18.  Sesame Oil, Soy Sauce, Five Spice Powder (to help me make Asian food)
19.  Shirataki noodles (these are life savers!)
20.  Mushrooms (fresh ones, not canned.  we like baby bella and portabella)
21.  Tofu
22.  Cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage
23.  Cucumber, bell pepper, eggplant, onions, garlic, tomatoes, green onions, leeks
24.  Heavy whipping cream
25.  Almond milk
26.  Pork rinds (for snacking and for breading)
27.  Spices and condiments
28.  Tahini
29.  Hot sauce (sriracha, asian chili garlic paste)
30.  Low carb tomato sauce (the brand contendina has the lowest carb)
31.  Natural almond butter, natural peanut butter
32.  100% cocoa powder
33.  Sugar free jams (we use smuckers)
34.  Frozen blueberry
35.  Low carb ice cream (we love Breyer's carbsmart fudge bar)
36.  Jicama (singkamas.. they make wonderful fries!)
37.  Ground Flax, Chia Seeds
38.  Salad greens
39.  Dill pickles
40.  Diet soda (my weakness)

These simple ingredients helped me stay on low carb much longer than the one month I initially planned to.  Somehow, low carbing is not as boring anymore.   It may even be a permanent lifestyle I can espouse, and not just use it as a quick fix. Now, if only dining out options were as broad.

I am purposely writing all these down to remind myself that I need to go back to low carbing after our planned diet-break this long weekend.     

Falling in Love with Fall

I have only experienced fall weather once in my life (during a visit here in 2010).   So everything fall feels novel to me:

The cool, crisp air

The splendid reds, oranges and yellows that dot the landscape

The drastic shortening of daylight

The ubiquitous presence of pumpkins everywhere, along with anything pumpkin flavoured food one can imagine

The proliferation of trick or treat candies in stores, begging to be bought and menacingly teasing me to cheat on my diet

It's such a beautiful season.   I am FALLing in love with FALL.

The leaves in Albany are starting to change color!!!  

This weekend Ben and I will take a trip to Marlboro, NY (to check out an apple harvest festival), and Amherst, MA (to have fun in a corn maze and do some touristy leaf peeping).

Come November, there's halloween (a good excuse to binge on candy) and my first ever thanksgiving and Blaaaack Fridaaay!!! Yay!  I have something to look forward to.  Isn't it nice?

But I know that pretty soon, all the trees will be bare.  The vivid autumn colours will give way to somber grey.  The nights will be ominously longer and temperatures will be bitterly cold.   Winter is coming.  And we know "that the night is long and full of terrors" tremors (from the cold, that is).

Am I Really in Ketosis?

Purple has got to be one of my favorite colors these days.    For anyone on a low carb diet, nothing says good job better than seeing deep, dark purple in ketostix.  Uhm, that, a drop in the scale and an inch off the hips or waistline.

Here's my purple-tipped ketostix this morning:

That funny looking thing up there is not a pregnancy test kit.   My sister actually sent me a viber message when she saw this picture on my photo stream because she thought I was pregnant before realizing it was just a ketones test strip.

For those unfamiliar with ketones, ketones are substances that are released when the body is in a fat burning state.     Because I don't consume enough carbohydrates, the body finds an alternative source of fuel by breaking down my fat stores.   These strips check for the presence of ketones in urine and indicate whether one is in ketosis, that metabolic state when the body switches to a fat-burning machine from a carbs-burning one.    Looking at the color spectrum in the bottle, one should aim for shades of pink to purple.  The darker, the more ketones in the urine.  Thankfully, I got purple. Yay! But, wait...

Being me, I take most things with a grain of salt.   I will not take it easy and grab that apple cider doughnut that I've been dying to have.    I wonder if one of the reasons for the purprle color is because I am not drinking enough water.    What if the ketones in my urine were that concentrated because I am not hydrated enough?   I read that you should drink as much as 3L of water per day on a low carb diet.  I am definitely not drinking that much yet, but I've been trying to drink more water than I used to.

I guess this is not yet a time to celebrate.  One purple ketostix shouldn't immediately point to ketosis in the same way that one swallow does not a summer make.  I have yet to make meaningful progress on the scale.   I only lost 1.3 lbs. in September.  I am still a long way from my goal weight.   Like the song says, there ain't no rest for the wicked fat.

Cue:  Aint No Rest for the Wicked by Cage Elephants

Fresh Off the Boat

I am trying to look and act like an established resident here in Albany but I am miserably failing.   I am undeniably Fresh Off the Boat and I probably reek of the sea, figuratively.

First, the weather.  It's hard to fathom temperatures expressed in Fahrenheit.  And when I do convert, I can't imagine how warm or cold it will be like.   I don't know what 40F, 50F, or 60F feels like because in the Philippines, I am only used to temperatures above 30C.  I keep asking Ben before I go out, will I need a coat?  Will my feet be warm?  Do I need to wear socks?  My feet get cold quite easily, you know.   If there is anything that will give my new immigrant status away, it will probably be my extra layer of outerwear when I brave the winter.

Second, while I am used to conversing in English, it is quite different when the tempo is faster, the intonation is different, and the accent is more polished.    I try my best to drop the Filipino accent, but with 38 years of talking Filipino English, it is often hard.   As you would have guessed, I have had a lot of mispronunciations.   The common ones are the Ps for Fs, Bs for Vs, and vice versa; short vowels in place of long vowels, and vice versa.   I sometimes commit the blunder of using "he" instead of "she" or "his" in place of "her", and vice versa.   This is especially tricky because in Tagalog, the 3rd person singular pronouns "siya" or "kanya" are both gender-neutral.

I try to translate my thoughts in English and end up translating every word including "na" or "diba" too.    For example, "Did you eat already" is my direct translation for "kumain ka na?   The more appropriate translation should have been "have you eaten", but spoken English does not give one the luxury of more than a few seconds to think of the proper translation.   Ben noticed I always add "already" at the end of sentences.  In jest, Ben asks "Are you ready, ALREADY?"

While I do watch a lot of American films and TV, I am still more familiar with formal English.  I am struggling with colloquial terms and expressions.   For example, I can't understand a thing they say in Sons of Anarchy.   I need to have captions enabled for me to follow the show.  Ben assures me though that my English is perfectly fine, and I am just being too harsh on myself.   I need to remind myself that my English is not inferior because I have an accent.  It just means I know another language other than American English.

And then there is the general unfamiliarity with the area and the customs. I can't get my bearings on which way is south, which is east.  I am still trying to get used to being friendlier and more chit-chatty when ordering food in restaurants or paying for groceries.   I need to be more abreast with local news.

Despite my attempts to veil it, I am an FOB.  A "freshie."     I just really want to blend in, but I guess the Filipino in me sticks out.   I might as well be proud of it.

Restless and Waiting

Today, like many other days, I woke up not knowing where I was.   Six long months since I moved to Albany, my subconscious is not yet "habituated" to my new environment.   This is very telling.  It speaks of the slow progress I am making in adjusting to my new life here. 

One cannot really begin to adapt to a new environment unless one is really out there.  And that's exactly my problem: I'm not out there.  I'm really actually boxed in, languishing the days away inside the four corners of our apartment.  Inasmuch as I want to put an end to this inertia, my house arrest is not 100% self-imposed.  It is, to a large extent, a function of my immigration process.   Coming to the US and settling in on a K1 visa is a long and arduous, step by step process and I have no choice but to abide by the sequential order of things.  

So I made checklist of what I need to do to make myself an independent, mobile, and productive human being again: 

1. Get Married  check

2. File for Adjustment of Status (Green Card) check

3. File for Employment Authorization  check

4. Apply for a Social Security Number waiting

5. Get a Driver's License

6. Find a Job

7. Buy a Car

8. Start Working Again!!!

So you see, I am only in Step #4.    I may be months away from Step #8.  I worry that I may not even have a job before the end of the year.  There are times I feel life is passing me by and I am stuck in this rut, slowly decaying and desperately trying to claw my way out to survive.  Yes, I am restless.   I feel so unproductive.   The economist in me is trying hard not to calculate the opportunity cost of my forgone earnings because I know it would only make me feel worse.   

I don't want to beat myself up for this and wallow in self-pity.   I only wish that I could see some glimmer of hope that the tides will soon change in my favor.   Uncertainty is the enemy of planners.  I yearn for visibility.  A job interview would be nice.