Rejection and Reassurance

I got a rejection letter today and it left me in tears.   I've been actively looking for a job for the past month with no success.

I wasn't even being picky.  I applied to an entry level position (an administrative assistant for a bank) and I didn't even get an interview.   That hurt.  A lot.  I was an Asst. Vice President in my last job in the Philippines and now I can't even be hired as an office clerk.  It felt like a dagger piercing through my heart and leading me towards a downward spiral.  

This is ever so humbling.  I thought my resume would have warranted at least an interview.  I guess that bank has its reasons which I will never find out.  Trying to figure out why will consume me for a very long time.   Ben thinks it might be because I am overqualified.   After some thought, my retort to that is this analogy:

A Big Fish in a Small Pond 

vs. 

A Small Fish in Big Pond

I was no hot shot executive.  I never was a big fish. I was but a small fry.  

I blame it on my fixation with titles.   Having that AVP title gave me an inflated sense of worth.   I should not think that an AVP is superior to an Administrative Assistant.  I was wrong to think that.  Everything has to be taken in the context of the environment, the setting, "the pond".    In fact, I should even take it to the next level.  I should believe that any honest, well-intentioned job is noble and that all noble work are equal in the eyes of God. 

Ergo, I will not hesitate to apply to more entry level jobs because the truth is, I came from a small pond and I am now in the biggest pond in the world.   So yes, I don't mind fading into obscurity by being a small fish in a big pond.  I just really want to be in the pond right now.

This past month was particularly challenging, and I am almost at my wit's end trying to think of a way to be productive again.  But thank God, there have been some outpouring of moral support and reassurance from friends and family.   They are all saying the same thing.  Be patient and trust in God's perfect timing.  He has something better in store.

Special thanks to Ben, Mom, Dad, Ate, Mike, Ena, Lot, Aimee and Dimpy for the words of encouragement.  You help replenish my depleting self-worth.  

Restless and Waiting

Today, like many other days, I woke up not knowing where I was.   Six long months since I moved to Albany, my subconscious is not yet "habituated" to my new environment.   This is very telling.  It speaks of the slow progress I am making in adjusting to my new life here. 

One cannot really begin to adapt to a new environment unless one is really out there.  And that's exactly my problem: I'm not out there.  I'm really actually boxed in, languishing the days away inside the four corners of our apartment.  Inasmuch as I want to put an end to this inertia, my house arrest is not 100% self-imposed.  It is, to a large extent, a function of my immigration process.   Coming to the US and settling in on a K1 visa is a long and arduous, step by step process and I have no choice but to abide by the sequential order of things.  

So I made checklist of what I need to do to make myself an independent, mobile, and productive human being again: 

1. Get Married  check

2. File for Adjustment of Status (Green Card) check

3. File for Employment Authorization  check

4. Apply for a Social Security Number waiting

5. Get a Driver's License

6. Find a Job

7. Buy a Car

8. Start Working Again!!!

So you see, I am only in Step #4.    I may be months away from Step #8.  I worry that I may not even have a job before the end of the year.  There are times I feel life is passing me by and I am stuck in this rut, slowly decaying and desperately trying to claw my way out to survive.  Yes, I am restless.   I feel so unproductive.   The economist in me is trying hard not to calculate the opportunity cost of my forgone earnings because I know it would only make me feel worse.   

I don't want to beat myself up for this and wallow in self-pity.   I only wish that I could see some glimmer of hope that the tides will soon change in my favor.   Uncertainty is the enemy of planners.  I yearn for visibility.  A job interview would be nice.

Bumming Around and Turning into a Couch Potato

I've been a bum since February.  That's 7 long months.  It may sound like a great long vacation or sabbatical, but it sometimes drives me crazy.

I didn't mind the first 3 months as I was busy preparing to migrate as well as planning for the wedding.  The 4th month was the best as I had my family here for the wedding.   But when they left and Ben went back to work, I cried for days.  It felt like everything just became so quiet and empty.   I eventually got used to being alone during the day again, and that's when I reconciled myself to the fact that I will be a bum for a while.  I embraced "bum-hood", or whatever is the right term for the art of being a bum.

So what does a bum do?  You turn to the TV and internet of course.   I transformed myself into a couch potato.   Imagine me in my pajamas with my uncombed hair and eating meals in front of the TV.   Not a lovely sight, I know.  Only Ben can see me anyways, haha.

I turned to TV series because obviously that would mean a lot more hours of watching.   Here's a list of the TV series I watched since migrating to the US in April:

This is a given.   This is probably my favourite TV show of all time.  My first Sunday here in Albany was the season 4 premiere telecast.   Ben and I would look forward to Sunday nights because of this.   After the season 4 finale, Sunday nights started to suck.  It was hard to think of what to watch in place of GOT.  I dare not say who my favourite characters in the show are, lest they die!

Photo from the official Facebook page of Game of Thrones.

I know this series aired in 2005.   I've always heard it was good but I never got around to watching it until now.   Ben and I really enjoyed this.  We went through the 2 seasons in a week.  What's funny is I recognized characters in Rome from TV series they starred in much later, e.g.:
   Julius Caesar = Mance Raydar in Game of Thrones
   Mark Antony = Joe Carrol in The Following
   Niobe = Ellaria Sand in Game of Thrones
   Brutus = Edmure Tully in Game of Thrones
   Marcus Agrippa = Tom Branson in Dowton Abbey
   Titus Pullo = Isaak Sirko in Dexter (pointed out by Ben)
Photo from IMDB

This is another good one!  Ben and I breezed through 4 seasons in 2 weeks, that's how addicting it is.  It's so refreshing to see Steve Buscemi not play a comedian and he really does a great job here.   My favourite characters are Nucky Thompson, Chalky White, Eddie Kessler,  and of course, Richard Harrow.

I can't wait for Sept. 7 for the start of Season 5.   It makes want to go to the real Boardwalk in Atlantic City to soak in the real thing, sans the liquor and violence, of course.

Photo from IMDB

This was a surprise hit for me.   I thought it would be somewhat like Prison Break,  but it's a lot lighter than Prison Break and some characters in the show are very endearing.  I particularly like Poussey, Red, Crazy Eyes, but don't care much for the lead, Piper Chapman.   I'm happy that Crazy Eyes (Azo Aduba) won an Emmy for her performance here.

Having learned from binge watching and feeling the series is gone all too soon, Ben and I took our time with this one.  Only 1 or 2 episodes per day.  Stretched it as far as we could.

Photo from IMDB

Watching this is a product of the vacuum left by Game of Thrones.  It's on Sunday nights and with nothing better to watch, we tuned in.   I don't really like this show.  There is the burning question that is left unanswered, and from the looks of it, it will never be answered.   Why did 2% of the population vanish into thin air?  They focus on too many seemingly unrelated subplots and all the while ignoring the elephant in the room.   I am worried it may go in the direction of Lost.   Too many theories about where the plane landed and in the end it got convoluted   But yeah, I'll watch this till the season ends.  Just because I'm a bum.

Photo from IMDB

I heard great reviews about Vikings.  It airs from the History Channel so I thought that brings credibility to the show.  The first 2 or 3 episodes of Season 1 were exciting, but soon after our praise for the show waned.   It just seemed too easy for Ragnar Lothbrok.  I couldn't make a connection with any of the characters.  People who watched this show tell me to keep on watching as it gets progressively better.   Ben and I watched till S1E9, but it still did not improve for me.   I need to force myself to watch this again.  Maybe when I'm bored enough I will.

Photo from IMDB

My former colleague from back home (Jeff Ong) highly recommended this series and so off we went and watched it.  The verdict:  Liked.    Not by a lot, but enough to make me look forward to a second season.   Mike Judge of the Beavis and Butthead fame is the show's creator.  I must confess, I didn't really dig Beavis and Butthead when it aired during the 90's.  I was too young, naive and didn't understand dry American humor then.  Now, much older and supposedly smarter, I can finally understand the wry, highbrow humor of Silicon Valley.

Photo from IMDB



There is a K-Drama channel on Roku so I did watch my share of Korean telenovelas too: Pasta and I'm a Flower Too.  They're old but entertaining enough.  Ben doesn't understand why I watch shows like these.  I would argue that I don't get why he watches wrestling.   I watch K-dramas when I want light, romantic comedies.


There were other shows that I attempted to watch but ditched later on such as:
- Flight of the Conchords (too much singing)
- House of Cards (too complicated, I can't follow American politics yet)
- Australian series Secret and Lies (too formulaic/predictable)
- British series Southcliffe (too dull)
- Canadian series Orphan Black (not interesting enough)
- The Mind of a Chef (torture to watch shows like this when dieting)

Dates I am looking forward to:

Sept 7, 2014:  Start of Final Season of Boardwalk Empire

Oct 12, 2014: Start of Season 5 of The Walking Dead

Sept 21/Jan 4:  Start of Downton Abbey (UK and US air dates)

This turned out to be a very long post.  Proof that I am one couch potato!  

Unemployed and Living Small

I find myself constantly worrying about expenses and savings (or the lack thereof).   I am currently unemployed while I await employment authorization from the USCIS.

Being unemployed is tough, especially in a world where your identity is inextricably entwined with your work or profession.  What am I now? I will be 40 in a couple of years and I have nothing to show for it.   When I do work again, I will most likely be starting from the lowest rung.   It sometimes hurt my pride that while my past colleagues from work get promoted to director/vice president positions, I am here washing the dishes and cleaning the toilet.  I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I do.   I can't help myself.

My friend Joy said it is only a phase.  She said I will eventually find work and soon I will complain about the drudgeries of work again.    Will I be better off when I am working? I guess so.  At least I will be financially independent again.  Or maybe I am just wired to think that the grass is greener on the other side and wherever I may be situated in life, I will always be wishing I am on the other side of the fence.  

So now I am reduced to living small.  Don't be mistaken, I have never lived large.  I would like to think that I was prudent with how I dispensed money in the past.  But back when I was working, I never had to worry about spending a few extra here and there for something indulgent.  Fast forward to now and everything needs to be a necessary expense.  Ben and I have not even taken a honeymoon yet, thinking that it is wiser to save money instead.  I buy store brands where possible; I reuse things I would have otherwise thrown away after a single use (e.g. ziplock bags).  I haven't bought any article of clothing for myself since the wedding, except for bike shorts (which Ben paid for, actually).   My perfume bottle is running out and I think I will only replenish when I get a job.   Austerity measures.   It hurts but it builds character.   At least I think it does.   

This poster sums it all:

Photo courtesy of Keepcalm-o-matic